It was October 14th, I was madly nesting. My house had been scrubbed top to bottom, just like it had been daily for the past, well every day. I found myself at Walmart with my mom, buying candles for his first night home and all kinds of things I found extremely important at the time. 

We were out all day. I remember having to stop so many times, I was getting these pains, nothing major. 

We ended up at Macyos, where I got two meals because I was starving and couldn’t choose. I was stuffed and went home. 

4 days before my midwife told me she would be out of town from October 14-16th. She assured me she’s never missed a delivery in her 30 years of practice… and Gavin’s due date was October 31st, so I didn’t feel entirely worried. 

When I got home I took a long shower, 11:45pm suddenly I felt cold water… I couldn’t figure it out until I realized my own water might have broken. After some frantic investigation I figured out it had.

I called my mom, grabbed my bag, and headed to the hospital. 

On the way I listened to “Bowl of Oranges” by Bright Eyes. I got in an elevator, my entire life waiting a few floors up. I was silently breathing, shaking. 

When I arrived I was 6 almost 7 centimeters dialated. The dinner I had I not so gracefully left on the triage floor, and those pains I had all day were actually contractions. 

They tried to give me an epidural emediately upon arrival and I vehemently declined. 

My midwife was gone, her backup was birthing another baby and I was simply waiting for a staff doctor or student. 

They hooked me up with tape and needles and wires, and I was stuck to the bed, breathing. I asked to walk, but it was too hard to get undone. I asked for a wet wash cloth, which I layed over my eyes. 

I saw nothing but the wet white, I paid careful attention to every feeling I had, but I could both feel it intensely or not at all if I chose. 

I asked that everyone in the room be quiet, and I asked my mom to request the same of the nurses. 

It was time. They asked me to push. 

Sometimes I could push and sometimes I was too tired. The Dr. would say, “can’t you feel the contraction?” I’d lie and say I couldn’t, I just needed a moment. I pretended like nothing happened, laying still, but I could feel it. 

I gave birth silently. I never screamed or made any other sound beside the energy it took to push.

He was here.

I took the washcloth off and my doctor had frosted tips on his hair. I imagined he looked like John Kerry, but he didn’t. It was 6:23am

They took Gavin away from my view. He only cried for a second that I could hear.

My entire body reverberated such joy. While they were sewing together parts of my body, I was smiling. 

During this time Gavin was blue, but they hid it, even my mom hid it. 

He finally took his second breath and I soon had him in my arms. I smiled with my entire body.

They took him quickly because they didn’t realize I was o- blood type and didn’t take proper precautions.

I went into a full room of mothers who just gave birth, some with epiderals who couldn’t move, some with c-sections,some  asleep… me, just trying to stand up and use the restroom so I could get out of there. Easier said than done. It took 4 hours.

I was in a room, with another mom. October 15th. My son was in another room and I couldn’t stand up. 

I was alone. 

My friend Ashlie walked in, I had cold outmeal on the table. The mother next to me spoke Spanish. 

I cried when I saw her. She was so excited.

I told her I couldn’t walk, and they had Gavin. She talked to me about life, she made me laugh, and smile.. and walk. 

They brought Gavin back. We loved him.

Ashlie went home and I sat up straight. I picked up Gavin and laid him on me. I looked at him and cried. I told him I loved him. We were alone, it was very quiet and he said the same thing.